Thursday 14 March 2013

Jesus Loves Me!

Absolutely nothing done on model railway.

Spent 5 minutes browsing web to see if any model manufacturer had recently come up with an HO scale 232 Nord Express locomotive.


But, during the search found these HO scale skyscrapers by the US manufacturer Bachmann. Cost about £60 each.

Currently listening to:
A re-run of a Drum 'n' Bass show on Radio 1 Extra hosted by DJ Crissy Criss. I did flick through a few 6 Radio shows but found the pace too slow and lacking in energy.
Last night's dinner on a shoestring:
Black pudding and fried eggs.
Cost per head: approx £1.75
Jesus loves me:
It is important for me to choose the right words as I describe what happened to me today:
I can do no better than steal the opening line from Sartre's novel, "Nausea".
"Something has happened to me: ........."
The last time I could make that statement was when I was 16 years old and I was struck by a metaphysical realisation that blighted my life for the next 20 years.
This morning's realisation was just as powerful as that one, and also came when I wasn't expecting it: "Jesus loves me!"
(In fact, this same realisation  came to me approx 3 months ago when I was sitting in St Joseph's RC church in Tollcross, Glasgow and stared up at Christ's face on the huge crucifix they have above their altar there.
Christ looked down at me then and simply said: "Tony, I love you.")
And what did I do with that event, that happening? I dropped it from my mind. Christ's love was not what I was looking for. I presumed he loved me but it didn't seem enough. I took it for granted.
This morning's happening was no different from that which occurred in St Joseph's except for the wording.
Attending daily Mass this morning at St Paul's, Whiteinch, I was attending to the Mass and, you might say, minding my own business, when God spoke to me and said, "God, loves you." Immediately, I transmogrified this into "God loves me; he actually loves me. He respects me and he loves me." I really believed this and felt it to be the only important fact in the world.
There were no accompanying melodramatic physiological sensations; simply a total conviction that God loved me.
Suddenly, the whole world seemed different and my place within it seemed different. Yes, "Something has happened to me ......."
And this time, unlike 3 months ago, I'm not going to let this realisation drop from my mind. I've spent the whole day repeating these phrases: "God loves me. God loves you, Tony. Jesus loves me." And singing to myself,  "Jesus loves me, yes I know, because the Bible tells me so. etc etc etc."
I don't anticipate doing anything different with my life but, suddenly, my whole attitude towards it is different - that's what is so wonderful.
I knew there was nothing wrong with the way I led my life, but for some reason, I despised it.
"Something has happened to me ..........." I no longer despise it.
Postscript: Part of my life has always been the desire to improve my behaviour, to become a better Christian. But, I despised that desire. (Don't ask me why, but I did.)
I no longer despise that desire to become a better person.
Tango update:
The last few Tango classes have gone very smoothly and we've all learned a few new steps.
My assessment of my dancing remains the same though: correct but stilted.
Perhaps I'll be hit with a Tango realisation at some point: I'm seriously hoping for that.

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